Question: What can I do to help our relationship?
Here’s the deal – I’m getting frustrated. My husband isn’t the most handy-man out there, and I’m okay with it. Outside of the kitchen (Seriously – I’m a chef), there are other places where I excel. For example, I grew up around pools and obviously could offer insight to our current pool. However, each time I offer my experience or research (i.e. ““hey, that’s mustard algae in the pool. We need to clean that up!” or “I found a “how to” guide on the internet for our project and it said to compact the base material.), he completely disregards it.
This isn’t nagging here. It’s not like I’m nagging him to do it my way. This would be like watching someone start to wash your car using steel wool. The VERY unfortunate thing is that all the times I am right, we end up losing money because he never listened to me in the first place.
This is getting beyond frustrating. I’ve pointed it out to him and asked him to please consider my experience and research. He always agrees to listen, but it never improves. Nothing ever changes.
I’m at a loss here. The latest disregard is costing us up to $700 next spring – he is putting in a retaining wall and hasn’t compacted the base material or really cared to get it truly level (he’s just eye balled it). While I appreciate his efforts, this oversight is going to weaken our retaining wall (concrete block, not traditional stone) and it may not even last through his winter.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t gloat when I end up being right. I just let it go.
A typical example:
Me: Hey, I see some mustard algae in the pool in that corner.
Hubby: Well I just took a sample into the store and they didn’t say anything.
Me: But that’s mustard algae. Do they even test for that/
Hubby: I’ll just shock it really hard tonight then.
Me: We need algaecide. Not shock.
Hubby: Well, that’s not what the pool people told me.
Or today:
Me: I was reading about installing concrete block retaining walls, and they said to make sure you compact the base and get it absolutely level.
Hubby: The guy at the store told me he was a landscaping specialist and didn’t mention anything about that.
Me: Honey, you need to get it absolutely level or it’s not going to be strong.
Hubby: Okay.
Side note: we’ve been together now for 6 years, married for 4. We generally have a very healthy relationship. This is just one aspect of it that I’m not going to let get out of control.
<later>
Me: How’s the project going?
Hubby: It’s fun, but we’re having some problems getting the first row level.
Me: Did you make sure it was level before you put the blocks down?
Hubby: I eyeballed it. It looked pretty straight.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
I can’t just keep my mouth shut – it only makes the issue just because a problem. Like our toilet bowl. Or window screens. Or attic. Or chimney.
The worst part? It’s not like I cry wolf. If I don’t know something, I’m not going to act like I do. I don’t pretend to know anything about cars. I don’t pretend to know anything about wood work.
Indeed, nagging.
Firstly guys like to figure stuff out the hard way. It’s how we have fun. You think something out, it doesn’t work and something else goes wrong, you learn how to do it even better when you go to fix it.
Secondly, he is consulting professionals for advice on his projects. You can’t expect him to take your googling advice over that of seasoned professionals.
Thirdly, if you want him to take your advice don’t just yell it out from the deck. Do it. Ask if you can help him with the project, and don’t just be his assistant be a partner in the job. You have to ask though, project time is personal time and if you just invite yourself it might not make him very happy.
My friends wife and mother-in-law are always doing this kind of stuff to him and it drives him bat-s**t insane.
I gotta put a PS here because the "go over his head" advice from the other WOMEN responding is just completely wrong. If you want a big fight, go over his head and hire someone else to do his project. If you try to take his project away in any way shape or form it’s just going to piss him off.